


Fate/Bitchy Angels

by Jsyrin



Category: Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms, Fate/stay night - All Media Types, Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt
Genre: Archer doesn't actually show up he just gets referenced at some point., Comedy, Other, cartoon violence, more realistic violence, panty is a huge slut so there's going to be a lot of mentions of sex and probably actual smut, so much swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-27 18:17:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15030479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jsyrin/pseuds/Jsyrin
Summary: Shirou Emiya died alone on a hill of swords... and got chosen to assist the literal worst, foulest, most unholy angels on the planet in their quest to bribe their way back into heaven.God save his soul (again).





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

“Huh…? Where am I…?” he murmured, looking down at himself, at the armor he wore, at the stark white room around him. “What… what is this place?”

 

No answer greeted him, no sound could be heard.

 

“Am I… dead?” he looked around once more, noticing now that the other end of the room seemed to stretch on forever, the blank whiteness broken only by a brilliant golden orb shining off in what almost looked like the sky. “... The last thing I remember…”

 

_He couldn’t move, not anymore. Not without collapsing. He didn’t have the strength to even look up anymore. The sun beat down upon his bruised and bloodied form, struck through with weapons and riddled with curses._

_Across him, his opponents lay dead, scattered pieces and puddles of blood where once four Dead Apostles of great power stood, haughty and cruel, heedless and uncaring of the sun that modern media had claimed was fatal to vampiric creatures, and was actually deadly to weaker Dead Apostles._

_Still, he fought on, struggling against the metal beneath his skin, the fire in his blood, the weakness in his limbs as he tried to move, tried to fight, tried and failed to continue on as the final Dead Apostle ran away, back into the desert._

_And he died alone, upon a hill of swords._

 

A paper fluttered down from the infinite sky that made up the ceiling of the room, settling into his lap with the sound of a holy chorus behind it.

 

**SIN**  it proclaimed, the single word filling his mind with a flood of meaning.

 

He was a sinner, it said, guilty of killing hundreds, though his sin was tempered by his altruism, his good works, his heroism that had saved millions even at the cost of hundreds of what eventually became thousands of innocent lives.

 

He looked down at the paper with remorse, murmuring to himself and that whose presence so filled the infinite chamber that it could not be felt for how deeply it infused his surroundings, “I wish I never killed any of them. I couldn’t save them, and it cost them their lives…”

 

Another paper fluttered down, carried aloft by another chorus.

 

**REPENT**  it said, and he nodded as the simple question of whether or not he wished to atone for those whose lives he had ended simply to remove a threat to the world.

 

“If I could, I would give  _anything_  to fix what I’ve done,” he clenched his fist, crushing the paper with an expression of fierce determination. “I wanted to be a hero, an ally of justice… not a killer who ended lives just because he didn’t see any other way...”

 

A final slip of paper came down, bearing the single word  **MISSION**  with an intricate arrow on the back that, as the wind suddenly picked up and tore the paper from his hands, settled onto the ground with the arrow definitively pointing forwards.

 

“... I don’t know what’s going on, not really… but if I can help people… I’ll take any chance I can get,” Shirou Emiya stood, striding forth into the infinite white light towards his newfound mission of (largely a formality) repentance.

 

[][][][][]

 

“Listen up you slutty angels!” Garterbelt all but roared as his erstwhile charges landed in front of him, the couch piled high with naked men that filed sheepishly out of the room as Panty waved them off with a salacious grin, still fully nude save for the tiniest bit of whipped crea- nope, not whipped cream-  _white material_  glazing her chest and nethers and obscuring her nipples and very well used vagina.

 

“The fuck you want, Garter?” she snapped, scowling at the very large, very intimidating black priest whose afro seemed to get larger every time she saw it. “I was in the middle of fucking!”

 

“Slut,” her sister, Stocking, muttered darkly, munching on a slice of cake that had miraculously survived the fall from God knew how high up. “Can’t you think about something  _other_  than shoving another cock up your ass like it’s the end of the fucking world?”

 

“Hey, at least I’m not gorging myself on so much sugar my tits look like fucking balloons and my thighs look like a pig’s!” Panty shot back, huffing angrily.

 

“Don’t get your goddamn splooge bra on me, you cantankerous piece of shit,” Stocking replied as she edged away from Panty, both of them heedless of Garterbelt’s growing rage.

 

“SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN YOU IDIOTIC HOEBAGS!” he finally actually roared, brandishing a note from the heavens and stomping in sheer rage, crushing the skull of Chuck, local idiot zombie dog/demon thing/sidekick of the world’s shittiest angels. “UNDER THE GRACE OF GOD, YOUR HUNT FOR HEAVEN COINS IS GOING TO BE ASSISTED BY A SOUL UNDERGOING REPENTANCE! SO STRAIGHTEN THE FUCK UP AND TRY NOT TO BE A PAIR OF SLUTTY DISGRACES TO THE TITLE OF ANGEL, HUH!?”

 

“... Is he hot?” Panty asked, finally dressing in what appeared to be her dress from last night, still stained with substances that shouldn’t be thought about.

 

“Again with the slutbaggery,” Stocking sighed, shaking her head. “How the fuck is some human soul gonna help  _us_? We’re angels!”

 

“This human soul is a hero,” Garterbelt nodded, as if it explained everything, then looked up at the faint sound of thunder. “Now put on your best faces- not that that’s saying much- and get ready. He’ll be here any sec-”

 

A loud crackle of thunder split the air, interrupting Garterbelt with the sheer volume of the boom as a streak of lightning crashed down from the swirling clouds above and smashed into Chuck, electrocuting him and causing an explosion full of smoke.

 

“Gah! Fucking hell, is that him!?” Panty coughed, waving away the smoke in her face. “Way to make a fucking entrance, asshole!”

 

Stocking sighed, not interested in her cake anymore now that the resulting smoke cloud had tainted the frosting with dust and shrapnel. “Great… he ruined my cake too… he’d better be fucking useful or I’m going to cut him up and send him back to heaven myself.”

 

“Ah… sorry about that,” an unfamiliar voice cut through the smoke as it began to clear, revealing a single man with the faintest halo above his head, clad in black and red armor, his skin bronzed from countless hours in the sun and his eyes a striking molten gold. His hair shone in the morning light, a shock of silvery white reminiscent of polished steel. “I didn’t know that my mode of travel would be so harsh… I apologize for the inconvenience. My name is Shirou Emiya, I’ve been sent down to assist two angels as my repentance.”

 

“Ha! See, that’s how a proper messenger of Heaven should act!” Garterbelt laughed, bowing towards the hero. “My name is Garterbelt, o hero sent from Heaven. Welcome to Daten City. Before you are the angels Panty and Stocking, who you’ll be helping in their quest to defeat ghosts and earn their way back into Heaven.”

 

“Hey hottie~” the blonde one- Panty- waved, a smirk upon her face as she winked.

 

“Hi,” the gothic one- Stocking- muttered, still rather put out at the ruination of her cake. “If that’s everything, can we go now? I want my fucking sugar and this idiot’s entrance spoiled my fucking cake.”

 

“... Eheh… rather… um… strong words for an angel,” Shirou chuckled awkwardly, barely keeping his shock from hearing literal angels swear  _that_  much from showing on his face. “Um… where will I be staying?”


	2. Chapter 2

“Wake the fuck up!”

 

As Garterbelt’s indignant shouting echoed through the church, serving as the noon-time alarm for both bitchy angels, whom were both fast asleep up until the point where both of their beds upended them out into the church nave upon their usual worn and battered red couch, already covered in Stocking’s pile of tooth rotting sweets and Panty’s… questionable smelling blankets.

 

“Jesus Christ you unrepentant asshole, can’t you like,  _not_  be such a fuckin’ dick about waking us up in the ass hours of the morning?” Panty glowered, nursing her usual morning hangover while Stocking huffed and downed an entire slice of cake, filling her silence with a single, manicured middle finger pointed in Garterbelt’s direction.

 

“Maybe I’ll stop dumping your lazy asses out of bed when you two bitches learn how to wake up at a respectable hour instead of sleeping in like a pair of slutty highschool dropouts!” Garterbelt glared back, pounding his fist upon his podium. “You even missed breakfast!”

 

“So fuckin’ what, dickweed? We miss breakfast all the fuckin time. What makes this one so different… and where’s that hottie?” Panty yawned, openly scratching her crotch and airing it out.

 

“The fuck do I need breakfast for anyway? I’ve already got all the breakfast I need right fucking here,” Stocking muttered sullenly, not at all caring about what Garterbelt said.

 

“Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, Panty, Stocking,” Shirou spoke up as he entered through a side door, bearing two trays of what smelled like absolute  _Heaven_ , smiling in the way only those who truly enjoyed cooking could. “You missed it this morning but if you two could at least try to join us from now on, I’d very much appreciate it. Anyway, since you missed breakfast, I figured you would enjoy brunch?”

 

“W-what the hell is that…?” Stocking stared at the tray smelling of sweets, hot and fresh and loaded with sugar. “D-did you seriously cook that!?”

 

Panty drooled, looking at Shirou as if he were a piece of meat- even with his dorky apron and absolutely plain clothes, she could tell that he was built rock solid and had a dick that was almost guaranteed to be a solid 11/10. The fact that apparently he could cook  _and_  had a personality beyond “dumb muscle with a sex drive” was icing on the proverbial cake.

 

“Yes, I did,” Shirou nodded and set the two trays down, Stocking’s piled high with fluffy pancakes, waffles, crepes, and other such succulent, sweet breakfast foods while Panty’s tray was a rather enticing assortment of bacon and eggs, sausages and hash browns, piled up high with a bowl of assorted fruits on the side. “Thank you for allowing me to use your kitchen, Garterbelt.”

 

“Aww hell, ain’t nothin’!” Garterbelt waved him off, smiling in a way that neither Panty nor Stocking had ever seen before. “You keep cooking like that and I’ll start thinking you’re the actual angel around this place!”

 

“The fuck is that supposed to mean you fucking fucker!?” Panty growled, momentarily tearing her attention away from the smell of Heaven’s newest creation to threw her middle finger in Garterbelt’s direction.

 

“Shut the fuck up and eat holy shit!” Stocking interrupted the beginnings of Panty’s rant, smacking her sister as she shoveled down the entire tray in mere seconds, eyes wide with shock and bestial hunger.

 

“Oh my god! Oh my fucking god I think I just came!” Panty moaned, the large discolored patch upon her sheets spreading as she took another bite. “Fuck! Ohhhh fuck I did just cum~!”

 

“I’m so wet right now that I’d even consider having your fucking baby!” Stocking moaned, licking up the last bits of powdered sugar from her plate. “Gooodd… soooooo goood~!”

 

“Not if I get him first you sugartits bitch!”

 

“... Are… they always like this…?” Shirou asked awkwardly as Panty tackled Stocking and the two of them began brawling in the middle of the church.

 

“Unfortunately, yes. You can probably tell why the amount of coins they need to get back into heaven just gets larger every day,” Garterbelt explained stoically, a sour expression on his face.

 

“I… see…” Shirou sighed and shook his head, drawing upon his memories of dealing with constantly brawling women under his roof and shaping his next words carefully before releasing with all the force of an EX ranked Noble Phantasm.

 

“IF YOU TWO DON’T STOP FIGHTING THEN I WON’T COOK FOR YOU EVER AGAIN!”

 

Twin gasps rang out as immediately both sisters disengaged and sat back upon the couch, glaring at each other but not even spitting an unkind word.

 

“Much better- eh?” Shirou looked over at Garterbelt, who had dropped to his knees and began bowing to Shirou with tears streaming down his face.

 

“Master! Teach me your ways o’ master!”

 

“... What did I agree to….?” Shirou sighed again, not noticing the sun twinkling ever so slightly as clouds began gathering above the church.

 

[][][][][]

 

“ALRIGHT YOU HOEBAGS! YOU’VE HAD YOUR MEAL NOW IT’S TIME TO GO TO WORK!” Garterbelt announced, holding aloft the slip of paper bearing the word “Alley” upon it. “Recent ghost activity has seen multiple young men and women dragged into alleyways and disappearing for good! This could be the work of a serial killer, but it’s definitely the work of a ghost since this is Daten City and everything is always the work of ghosts.”

 

“Yeah yeah, fuckin’ A’, what the fuck ever can we just go now?” Panty yawned, still drooling a little from both pairs of lips at the thought of getting more of Shirou’s cooking for dinner. “And where’s the hottie anyway?”

 

“Yeah, I was gonna ask him to make me a cake,” Stocking chimed in,  _also_  very much interested in Shirou’s cooking.

 

“He already went ahead, said something about getting a good feel for the city, whatever that means. Also said he was gettin’ groceries. Why the fuck you two ain’t ever do anything that nice for me, huh? You two are the real fuckin’ angels and you can’t even fucking get out of bed in the fucking morning!” Garterbelt growled, throwing Chuck at the two sisters.

 

“Shuuuut the fuuuuuccckkk uuuuup,” Stocking rolled her eyes and stood, followed by Panty. “C’mon let’s go find our fucking ‘helper’ so we can kill this shitty ghost and get paid already.”

 

“Yeah, let’s go fuck that ghost right the fuck up!”


	3. Chapter 3

“Stocking?”

 

“Yeah Panty?”

 

“Why the fuck are we in the sewers again?”

 

“Probably because of the fucking gross-ass motherfucking piece of shit ass snake tentacle worm ghost trying to crawl up my ass.” Stocking struggled against her bonds, the ghost’s fleshy embrace proving too powerful to overcome without her Stripes.

 

“Uh huh… fuck! Hey! Get your fucking gross shit outta my shithole you stupid fucking piece of garbage! I’ll fucking wreck you, goddamn son of a whore!” Panty screamed, kicking at the tentacles currently prodding at her pantiless backdoor. “Get the fuck out get the fuck out get the fuck out get the fuck out get the fucking motherfuck out!”

 

“Shut the fuck up already, jesus christ!” Stocking yelled back, kicking at the monster’s body as it simply gurgled and continued molesting the countless others trapped within its tentacled, gooey mass.

 

“Well… shit. How are we gonna get out of this one?” Panty grumbled, blushing slightly as she felt herself grow aroused despite the absolute disgust she felt for the ghost. “... And where the fuck is our cooking hottie anyway? For a hero he’s fucking late as all fuck.”

 

“Sorry about being late, then,” Shirou called out as he splashed down into the sewer, nose plugged and his armor flowing in a nonexistent breeze. “I had to drop the groceries off back at the church so they wouldn’t be spoiled. Are you two alri-”

 

Immediately, Shirou made an abrupt about face, his entire body glowing bright red at the sight of both Panty and Stocking stripped almost completely naked and being molested by countless red and black tentacles.

 

“OI! DON’T JUST FUCKING TURN AROUND LIKE THAT! CUT US FUCKING LOOSE OR SOMETHING SO WE CAN KILL THIS FUCKFACE DEADER THAN SATAN’S FUCKING FUCKED UP FLAMING ASSHOLE!” Panty roared, struggling even harder against the tentacles writhing inside her, letting loose a salacious moan that left Shirou even more flustered. “F-fuck! I can’t be enjoying this! This is Stocking’s fetish, not mine!”

 

“F-fuck you!” Stocking muttered, enjoying herself far too much to put any real venom in her words.

 

“... I need a shower. A very,  _very_  cold shower,” Shirou sighed, wordlessly turning around and focusing, no longer flustered by the sight of two very sexy and very nude angels as he assessed them and the captive humans not as distractions, but as hostages.

 

_”Trace On.”_

 

A fire ran through his body, boiling and rich with magic that surged forth like lightning, his soul bringing forth the images of thousands upon thousands of weapons, an infinite armory that culminated in a single image pressed forth into reality in a spark of light.

 

“Gae Dearg: Crimson Rose of Exorcism.” Shirou spun the crimson spear before him, an arc of red that flashed in the low light

 

“What the fuck is that!?” Panty exclaimed, watching Shirou dart forth in a blur, slicing through the ghost’s flesh in a way that no human weapon could, dealing damage with utmost precision as he carved free the trapped humans and angels, his spear almost glowing as it slashed through the ghost.

 

The ghost screamed in pain, its animalistic mind unable to cope with having its body slashed apart. It dropped its hostages, bursting free of the sewers and out into the streets as it fled from Shirou’s crimson spear, which broke apart the instant he let go of it.

 

“Okay no, seriously, what the  _fuck_  is that!?” Panty growled, storming up to Shirou before he could leap out of the hole torn in the street. “Human weapons can’t fucking hurt ghosts, and that thing felt almost demonic! What the fuck kind of hero are you!?”

 

“Is this really the time?” Shirou asked blandly, his eyes gleaming in the low light of evening- a flat silver that shone like the finest steel. “We can discuss this once the ghost is taken care of.”

 

Without another word, Shirou leapt through the hole in the ceiling, tracking down the ghost instantly due to its sheer size and its trail of destruction, though curiously, he did nothing but watch the ghost, eyes sharp as a bow appeared in his hands, tall and black, taller than him, even.

 

“Trace On.”

 

As he drew his bow back, a sword appeared, glowing faintly with an unstable form made of light and steel, a sword of the gods that he had never seen but was in his Bladeworks anyway.

 

“What the fuck are you doing, it’s getting away!” Stocking roared as she burst out of the hole followed by Panty, the two of them unable to actually fight the ghost as it had torn both Panty’s and Stocking’s panties to shreds, and destroyed Stocking’s stockings in the process.

 

“Destroy that which goes against the gods,” Shirou whispered, the brilliantly glowing sword shifting, warping and spiralling into the form of an arrow as it caught fire, blazing with holy blue light.

 

“Asi.”

 

Instantly, a trail of blue leapt from the bow, branching out into hundreds of lines of fire that arced high into the sky and came down upon the slimy ghost like unto a storm of lightning and fire from the gods, blasting it apart with a shrill, wordless scream and a concussive blast that was akin to a large bomb exploding. Glass burst, the street crumpled, buildings shuddered upon their foundations.

 

And all that was left of the formerly massive ghost was naught but a trio of Heaven Coins, glimmering in the light of the setting sun.

 

“What… the….  _fuck_ ,” Stocking whispered, falling to her knees in utter shock.

 

Panty blinked, not processing what had just happened. “That… what the  _absolute fucknuggets!?_  How did you do that!? That was a Holy weapon you just-just fucking launched like a fucking missile!? What the fuck was that all about you fucking weirdo!? How!?”

 

“Magic,” Shirou answered simply, relaxing a bit now that the threat was gone. “.... Oh. Ohhh no….”

 

“What!? What now!?” Stocking leapt to her feet, looking around for a new enemy. “Another ghost?”

 

“All this collateral damage…” Shirou winced, his bow breaking apart into flecks of light. “.... I should have controlled myself better…”

 

“.... Shirou you’re such a fucking idiot,” Panty sighed, smacking the hero upside the head. “Now can we fucking go back and eat already? You’re cooking.”


	4. Chapter 4

“You know, you two really should be more careful when you go out to fight ghosts,” Shirou remarked idly, placing the lid upon a pot of potatoes and letting it boil. “I know my first fight isn’t much of an example, but from what Garterbelt told me, you two destroy at least a city block every time a ghost appears and he has to pay for it. He also keeps complaining that you’re spending too much.”

 

“Pfeh! Fuck that guy. Why should we listen to what that fucking fucker tells us to do, huh? He’s been doing nothing but crawling up our fucking asses every fucking day like he owns us,” Panty snorted inelegantly, sitting at the dining table and resting her elbow upon its surface, legs crossed one over the other and a bored expression on her face. “Where is that black asshat anyway?”

 

“Garterbelt went out. He didn’t say why,” Shirou shrugged, setting a plate of chocolate and whipped cream covered strawberries in front of Stocking. “By the way, is it normal for lightning to strike Chuck?”

 

“Huh? Oh yeah, that’s normal,” Stocking nodded, shoveling the strawberries into her facehole with a fervor only matched by the cock Panty shoved in  _her_  facehole whenever she went out. “Did you get any mini-scrolls out of it?”

 

“Yes. Three, actually: Arrow, Plumber, and Vehicle.” Shirou scratched his head, idly turning off the stove so he wouldn’t burn dinner. “I’m assuming these relate to ghost activity?”

 

“Yeah, probably. Not a fucking clue where to start looking though. Now can we fucking eat yet? I’m staaaaarving!” Panty whined, slumped over the table and glaring at Stocking, who was dabbing her mouth with a handkerchief.

 

Shirou sighed, shaking his head and setting the paper slips upon the table. “Maybe you wouldn’t be so hungry if you hadn’t skipped lunch to go day drinking and then spent the rest of the time buried only God knows how deep in a pile of naked men.”

 

“Ffffffuccckkkk not you too! Don’t you and Garter have anything better to do than bitch at me all the time! So what if I like sex!? Just because people like to be prudes doesn’t fucking mean I have to be!”

 

“If it affects your ability to actually fight ghosts, then perhaps you should cut back. Though, I suppose if you can handle yourself, who am I to judge?” Shirou shrugged and set the table, piling it high with mounds of delicious food- fried rice, parmesan covered pasta, honey glazed ribs, tonkotsu ramen, vegetable stir fry, even cocktail shrimp and still more. He didn’t even need to tell them to start before they dug in, shoveling food into their faces as if they were starving and it was their first meal in months.

 

Shirou smiled faintly, immersed in memories of a better time, a time long since past… a time before he had wandered onto his bloodstained path and was left alone upon a hill of swords.

 

His memories soured slightly, though at least he had the consolation that he hadn’t ended up a jaded, cynical, ideal betraying asshat like Archer.

 

In the privacy of his mind, he quietly called his alternate future self a dickbag for catharsis.

 

“I’ll go on ahead and search for this ‘Arrow’ ghost. You two finish your dinner first,” Shirou stood, having eaten far less than the two gluttonous angels, then paused and turned back. “Ah, also, if you can help me clean up before you go out, I’ll make you both desert once we’re done.”

 

Shockingly enough, Panty and Stocking both nodded in agreement, barely even looking up, though the promise of desert was enough to make the both of them acquiesce- left unsaid was the quiet promise that if Shirou kept making such Heavenly food, both of them would have eagerly let him do whatever he wanted to them.

 

Whatever.

 

He.

 

Wanted.

 

As Shirou drove into the city on his purchased motorcycle (embarrassingly dubbed Spandex by Panty), he suddenly felt very glad that he left before the two vulgar angels.

 

[][][][][]

 

“FUCK! Fuck fuck fuckety fucking fuck shit motherfuck cock sucking mother fuck shit goddamn fuck ass motherfucking assfucking SHITFUCK!” Panty screamed, running as fast as she could from the gunning engine behind her, a monstrous ghost car chomping at her heels, spitting flames with every rev of its undead engine. “HOW THE FUCK DID A CAR TURN INTO A GHOST!?”

 

“SHUT UP AND SHOOT THE FUCKER ALREADY YOU BRAINLESS SLUT!” Stocking snapped, winging around the corner in front of Panty and slashing at the massive pile of shit that made just the act of breathing far too disgusting to even comprehend.

 

“WHICH FUCKER!?” Panty shouted back over the bone rattling roar of the car ghost’s engines, spinning Backlace into existence in her hand and popping off a few shots on both car and shitpile, “BOTH OF THEM ARE TRYING TO KILL US YOU STUPID BITCH!”

 

“FUCKING BOTH OF THEM!” Stocking shouted back, leaping over Panty’s head and driving Stripes 1 & 2 into the hood of the car ghost, silencing the engine with the crunch of shattering steel and a shriek of agony that sounded more like squealing tires, Panty filling in the gap in attack by filling the shit ghost full of holes.

 

“REPENT MOTHERFUCKERS!” both angels shouted in unison, leaping away and landing in a strikingly badass pose as both ghosts proceeded to explode in a fanfare of fireworks and a wave of fresh air and blessed silence, the only trace remaining being the Heaven coins raining down upon them- a total of eight, four for each ghost.

 

“Tch! Fucking cheapass ghosts! Not even worth the effort,” Panty muttered, slipping Backlace back on and hopping into See-Through, honking the horn. “C’mon! Let’s go see what our resident hottie mchot hot’s doing!”

 

“Eugh, how can you even think of fucking him? I called dibs already!” Stocking growled, sliding into the passenger seat, Panty gunning it back through the city streets a moment later.

 

“No you fucking didn’t! Besides, why would he choose you when he could have aaaaaalll of me~?” Panty teased, bouncing her perky breasts for emphasis.

 

“Tch. And all your fucking STDs too,” Stocking muttered, turning away from Panty and watching the nonsensically planned city blur by. “Where the fuck did he say that ghost even was?”

 

“I unno, but he said something about a fuckin’ sniper battle last time I called him,” Panty shrugged, scanning the skyline. “Think he’s got a gun or something in his whatchamacallit?”

 

“Fuck if I know,” Stocking returned the shrug, “If he can make holy swords, why couldn’t he make a gu-”

 

Any further conversation was cut off as a flash of red burst into life across the sky, a brilliant crimson line that streaked and wove through the skyscrapers of downtown Daten City before turning and flying straight up, culminating in a brilliant explosion of light and heat that left behind it the sound of an arrow shrieking in the wind, followed by a pair of Heaven coins falling out of the sky and into Chuck’s waiting embrace as Panty drove the bright pink Hummer under the explosion’s lingering cloud of flame.

 

“... Well… I guess we know he got the job done,” Stocking muttered, looking wide eyed up at where the explosion had happened. “... How come his finishing moves are way cooler than ours?”

 

“He fucking cheats, that’s how,” Panty muttered, gripping the steering wheel tight as the church’s bell rang thrice, once for each defeated ghost.


	5. Chapter 5

“Again!” Shirou shakily stood, his semi-fleshy body covered in cuts and bruises, though the glint of determination in his eyes remained unchanged. Silently, he summoned another set of Kanshou and Bakuya, staring down at his opponent with the steel of the finest of swords.

 

Stocking, on the other hand, was much less battered, only bearing a single cut upon the hem of her skirt as evidence to show that she had been sparring with Shirou for the last three hours.

 

Well, that, and her constant whining.

 

“Can we stop now?” she whined, digging Stripes 1 & 2 into the ground and crossing her arms, the faintest sheen of sweat upon her skin. “I want my fucking sugar and all this exercise is making me want it even more!”

 

“Sorry Stocking,” Shirou panted, letting his swords dissolve back into motes of prana. “I just needed to see how far I have to go before I can stand on par with you and Panty.”

 

“Wh-Huh!? Stand on par? The fuck do you mean by that!?” Stocking asked incredulously, her twin swords reverting back to stockings as she slipped them back on. “Don’t you have all fuckloads of crazy exploding arrow sword bullshit? How the fuck is that not keeping up with us!? Hell, you’ve killed ghosts faster than we could a few times!”

 

Shirou sighed, shaking his head as his armor dissolved away, leaving him in his altogether quite boring normal outfit of a simple long sleeved shirt- white with blue sleeves and collar- and jeans. “I may be able to Trace powerful swords far more easily now, but I don’t feel comfortable letting my physical capabilities fall short. And just because I can snipe a ghost from halfway across a city doesn’t mean I can physically match up with the more powerful and intelligent ones.”

 

“... Fall short, he says,” Stocking grumbled, rolling her eyes as she stormed back into the church. “Fucker cuts up a ghost with nothing but a magic spear and then snipes another one from halfway across the goddamn city and he’s concerned about keeping up with me? Fucking insane…”

 

“I mean… it’s true…” Shirou followed along, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. “In terms of raw speed, strength, and even swordsmanship, I’m no match for you, and Panty has a far easier time with projectiles than I do since she has Backlace- all she needs to do is point and pull the trigger.”

 

“Yeah, but bullshit powerful bomb arrows,” Stocking huffed, ignoring Shirou’s lack of confidence in his own badassery. “Now stop talking about that shit already, where’d you put that cake?”

 

“It’s in the fridge. Oh- before you do that, though-” Shirou paused as Garterbelt entered, the faintest hint of thunder rumbling in as Chuck’s burnt and battered body collapsed upon the tiled flooring behind the podium in the nave.

 

“Ghost?” Shirou asked, raising his eyebrow.

 

“Mhmm. Fortunately, this time it ain’t gonna be so hard to find,” Garterbelt pulled a remote from his robes and pressed a button, prompting a large TV to fall from the ceiling and turn on, displaying a news chopper following what appeared to be-

 

“Fucking fucker,  _another_  car ghost!? Is this going to be a fucking recurring thing? What even is the fucking difference this time?” Stocking asked, groaning into her slice of cake.

 

Garterbelt shook his head and tapped the screen, “The difference this time is, you gluttonous dumbass, that this is the soul of a cab driver who died in a car crash after getting some severe-ass roadrage from traffic. The other one was just the torn up souls of a thousand junked cars.”

 

“And?” Stocking raised an eyebrow as Shirou plucked his keys from the hook by the kitchen door.

 

“The other motherfucker was all loud noises and murder, this fucker is all about speed. So finish the job quick before that speed obsessed dickhead tears up the highway even more. Hey wait a minute, where the fuck is that hoebag Panty?”

 

“Last I saw she was gonna go fuck some dude in a hotel… again. Fucking slut.” Stocking grumbled, finishing her cake and heading out into See-Through. “Jesus fucking christ, just fucking once could Shirou  _not_  leave way ahead of me?”

 

[][][][][]

 

“FUCK FUCK FUCK YEAH! NOW THIS IS SPEED! YEEEAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I’M GONNA FUCKIN BLOW!” the ghost cackled, racing down the highway with what seemed like an entire fleet of cop cars on its tail, the flame decorated sports car gleaming in the early afternoon light.

 

“Euuuggghhh, so annoying!” Stocking muttered, watching the ghost up ahead as she pulled See-Through onto the highway, taking her place at the front of the wave of cars. “Can’t fucking believe Shirou isn’t here alrea- MOTHERFUCK!”

 

Before her very eyes, the ghost vanished in a blast of crimson light, the street itself taking barely any damage as the wrecked sports car flew apart from the force, fiberglass and steel flying in every direction.

 

“Huh. No bell?” Stocking mumbled, screeching to a halt and stepping out of See-Through to examine the crater. “No coin either… It’s still ali- hm… ah fuck it it’s still alive.”

 

“OHHHH YEAH! NOW THIS IS WAY BETTER! PRECISION GERMAN ENGINEERING FUCKWADS! PERFECT FOR SPEED! NO MORE FRAGILE FUCKING FIBERGLASS! OHHHHHH YEAH, IT’S FUCKIN COMING!” the ghost roared, having possessed a Mercedes Benz somewhere behind the army of police cars. It drove away in a squeal of tires, even faster than before.

 

“....” Stocking plucked her communicator out of her belt and held it to her ear, “Ne, Shirou?”

 

_”Yes, Stocking?”_

 

“How come you didn’t blow up the ghost before it drove off?”

 

_”Eh? I thought- no, the bell didn’t ring. It’s still alive?”_

 

“Of course it’s alive! Didn’t you hear it yelling like a loon!?” Stocking snapped, sliding back into See-Through’s driver seat and taking off after the wayward car ghost, plowing her way through the cops and barely losing any speed despite the repeated impacts. “Where the fuck are you anyway!?”

 

_“Two kilometers north, atop the Maruchan skyscraper. I couldn’t see the ghost switch vessels because my view was blocked.”_

 

“... Two kilometers huh? Shit, that’s far,” Stocking muttered idly before shaking her head. “Anyway! Fucking get over here and help me cut this fucker down!”

 

_”On my way. Should I pick up Panty first?”_

 

“Fuck, yeah sure! Just get here fast! I can’t fucking take this cuntrag down while I’m driving and I can’t fucking run fast enough to catch up if I miss a jump!” Stocking hung up, viciously gunning her engine and racing forward, a wide grin on her face as she slammed into the ghost’s rear bumper.

 

“EAT SHIT DICKBAG!” Stocking roared, ramming See-Through into the ghost’s rear as hard as she could, as much as she could, trying to drive it off the road so she could stab it properly.

 

“OH! FUCK! OW! I’M NOT INTO ANAL YOU FUCKING GOTH CUNT WITH DADDY ISSUES! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!” the ghost roared back, already feeling the damage from having its trunk crushed and exhaust pipe crumpled by See-Through’s supernaturally hard, durable bumper.

 

“GET BENT!”

 

[][][][][]

 

“Lemme drive!”

 

“No.”

 

“Pleeeeaaaase~?”

 

“You need to fire. I can summon projectiles without my hands.” Shirou kept both hands firmly upon his bike’s handlebars (he had since re-dubbed it Avalon after having it re-painted into a lovely blue color with white stripes and gold accents), not even looking twice at Panty who had refused to wear a helmet and was currently pressing her breasts into Shirou’s back despite the two of them going well over 200 kilometers per hour.

 

“Fiiiiine~” Panty sighed, slipping off her pink, barely there thong and swirling it around, Backlace appearing in her hands. “Just get me in close, hottie~!”

 

“As the lady wishes,” Shirou murmured under his breath, pushing Avalon even more, filling it with as much prana as he dared and Reinforcing it as it hit the edge of the highway and leaped-!

 

“WAAAHOOOOOO!” Panty whooped, Backlace firing wildly down at the ghost below, who had at this point somehow become a rocket propelled semi-truck. “EAT SHIT MOTHERFUCKER!”

 

“Brace!” Shirou yelled, popping Avalon’s front wheel up as they made a hard landing upon the roof of the ghostly truck, denting the surface before the bike surged forward, leaping out into the open air in front of the ghost as twin swords generated from nothing and sliced off the rockets, slowing it down immensely.

 

Time seemed to slow as the bike spun in midair, Shirou holding on for dear life while Panty clung to the bike upside down, holding on with nothing but her knees.

 

The ghost’s singular visor eye widened as Panty lined up Backlace for a shot, a teasing smirk upon her lips as Shirou’s helmet cleared the line of fire and-!

 

“REPENT MOTHERFUCKER!”

 

**_BLAM!!!!_ **

 

“BUT I WAS SO CLOOOOOSE!”


End file.
